Too often I get asked if I am single and the follow up question as to why I am single (especially in the latter years of my twenties)are often laced with negative perceptions and connotations. Men often assume that I must be hard to please, high maintenance, have unrealistic standards or that something must be inherently wrong with me. The truth is, sometimes these judgmental pseudo observations come from men who feel entitled. They figure that they couldn't possibly be the problem if a woman isn’t interested or that a woman couldn't simply be content being single at any moment in life. In addition, I realize that these questions are rooted in the idea that a woman's value is contingent upon whether or not she is romantically attached to a man.Through the years I have learned not to allow society or other individuals' opinions to force me into a union with someone that I do not want to be with, for the sake of conformity.
At six years old, being the first child, first niece and grandchild ,you can imagine that I was flooded with toys and just about everything a child would desire. However, I wasn’t the little girl who played mom, dress up or planned weddings. I was fascinated with books, wildlife and having conversations with older folks. I even spoke of saving to purchase a home when I was older. Whew.
When I had my first “real” boyfriend, I viewed him more so as a friend, to this day I still see him as such. I have experienced monumental highs and lows in my romantic relationships and dating life. When I look back and analyze each of them. One truth resounds. The happier I was with myself and the more I was secured in my relationship with God, the better my romantic relationships were. As you can imagine, the complete opposite took place in my relationship when I was allowing that person to be the reason for my joy. I would begin to lose my sense of self and my relationship with God suffered. I gave that person a role that they ultimately would never be able to fill, which was unfair. I had to unlearn the unrealistic idea that my partner was supposed to meet all of my needs and understand that I was my main priority. There is only one being equipped to handle the burden of all of our needs and that is Christ. The amazing thing about those experiences is that they were learning opportunities, a chance to grow. That’s the true beauty of life, even what seems to be a loss, in the long run turns out to be a win for you.
At this stage, I haven’t had a boyfriend in ages. Similarly, I haven’t been more content, happy and sure of myself than I am currently. Not saying the two are synonymous but you get the drift. I wouldn’t mind being with someone or maybe married one day. It’s just that I have learned that my value is internalized, it is not affiliated with whether or not I am someone’s girlfriend or wife. When you recognize your worth and develop a love for self, a shift begins to take place, which in turn changes your thoughts, patterns,even your behaviors. You become laser focused on continually working on yourself and living life with purpose.
No one is responsible for your happiness and the moment you drop that expectation the more free you’ll become.
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Along this journey, I have learned that love is a skill, it’s something that you have to constantly work on and develop. It’s a daily choice. The more you love yourself, the less willing you are to share sacred parts of you with just anyone. Learn your love language and direct it inward as well as outward. The more intune you are with you, the more you will be able to speak confidently about your likes, dislikes and things that make you uncomfortable. As a result, you are less likely to settle for less than what you deserve. Ladies and men, we have to remember that people are not mind readers. The best way for someone to know how to love you, is for you to tell them. Be willing to speak each other's love language. Understand that we are all operating and seeing through the lens of our traumas and childhood experiences. The key to working through this, first begins with being honest with ourselves . Finally, don't allow someone else’s opinions to be the gold seal on your life, but also be willing to be open to learn.
Self awareness is vital, know your values, flaws and character traits that you need to work on. Continue loving yourself deeply, intricately through the process. Spend time with you. During your single moments take time to discover new passions or reignite old ones. It could be writing, painting, going back to school, or changing careers. Work on you boo. We are constantly bombarded by relationship/couple goals but the real goal is loving yourself and not seeking validation from anyone. Set healthy boundaries. Hold yourself accountable and surround yourself with individuals who will do so too. Strive to be whole, meaning you’re not desperate for love and validation from others because you're already watering your garden with love and affirmation. If you go into a relationship without that wholeness, it’s a remedy and breeding ground for toxicity. When you finally get into a relationship do not neglect the one you have with yourself, it is your longest and most important commitment. Continue to be intentional in your growth process, by leaning into your crafts and the things that drive you. All in all, fill yourself up with God. I promise you won’t regret it!!
PS: Be patient, your time will come. Find joy in your singleness, embrace it. It’s a good time.
“Learning to love yourself , is the greatest love of all”- Whitney H.
“If you're sitting around waiting for that call or wondering when he's gonna text back, you're doing it wrong sis.“- Sevon T.
What are some things you have learned during your season of singleness?
Let me know in the comment section below. I would love to hear your thoughts.
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Contributor: Sevon T.
Photo: Sevon T.
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